Love is Not Unconditional

They say love has many faces, adding complexity to abstraction. The word has lost its boundaries being so arbitrarily used to mean many different things. People refer to love widely from stating preferences of things to declaring profound human relations. Love is used to symbolize friendship, or  asentimental relation; to state appreciation, or make a commitment; to make a compliment or even decline a request.

In the context of this article, I am referring to the positive emotions that bind humans and create fulfillment, security, and completeness of some kind. More specifically, I am referring to feelings one holds for another person that underlie our desire to make them and ourselves happy; and in doing so we feel generally good about ourselves.

Thinking about that definition of love, is it logical to assume that we love because a person has certain qualities that we appreciate and so our feelings of fulfillment, security, and completeness are provoked? In other words, we would not love some one who does not make us feel good about ourselves or does not help us reach that state, would we?  Likewise, can we further assume that it would take some time for that person to actually prove deserving, prior to our loving them? If it were true, we would only love worthy people by virtue of who they are and how they are.

Unfortunately, this is unlikely to be true as people fall in and out of love all the time. Presumed friendships end. Relationships come to term and people get hurt. They get hurt, as they discover more about themselves and their needs; and about how those who they claim to be their closest souls turn out to be and make them feel over time.

I used to believe that despite being rare, unconditional love was a higher form of emotions. I confused it at times with the notion of giving without expectations and regarded this as a noble gift not every one is capable of giving. I was wrong.

Unconditional love is meaningless. It is a sign of constant imbalance between the giving and receiving of love which is unfair to start with. Giving some one love genuinely is invaluable. But giving love regardless of whether or not others value what they are receiving is actually selfish of the giver as well as the receiver. It is selfish because it invites people to misbelieve that regardless of how self centered, irresponsible, or inconsiderate their behaviors are; they will be granted love.  Eventually, that form of love is in vain and negatively affects every one involved.

Love that is given unconditionally eventually derives feelings of disappointment, frustration and some times guilt to the giver.  When some one is dedicated in their giving despite being unappreciated, they feel bad about themselves. Over time, the initial feelings of tenderness are overshadowed by anger, resentment and hurt. Those feelings contradict with the default position of generally feeling good about oneself and others. Thus it is not love at all.

On the other side, the person who receives love unconditionally and gives little or none in return, is not motivated to develop themselves or their behaviors. They get used to taking what they have not earned. Rarely, does any one place a lot of weight on things that come free in life and often people take it for granted, neglect it and devaluate it. Love that is received unconditionally derives emotional abuse. Thus it is not love at all.

The statement “love is blind” is disempowering and suggests that we have absolutely no control over our emotions and that regardless of how unworthy a person is, how abusive a relationship is that we still continue to love any ways. How can someone claim to love another person and bear the thought of their unhappiness or hurt? How can that be love? A love that is blind, is not love at all.

Love is not blind, people are; sometimes. People want to avoid being hurt at any cost, and so choose to be blind assuming that things are what they want them to be not what they really are. People continue to compromise and tolerate unacceptable situations in hope that they can make things work. The sad thing is that time lapses at the expense of their own happiness.   

Love is a verb, not just a feeling. It must be earned and must be mutual. That is not to suggest that some kind of quantification must be applied but rather a balance in the exchange of positive emotions that aim at happiness for those involved. A balance that makes people feel good about themselves.  That is love.

“Endeavour to give what you desire for your self”. This call is for fairness, and it is an invitation for fair love.

   

Life Is The Greatest Teacher

There are many instances where we hate our lives and think that our misery is unbearable because of a job we lost, a lover who walked away or a friend who turned out to be quite unreal. In many of those cases, the pain is huge and the way out of our disarray seems to be just not foreseen. Some times, a sudden unexpected gift is sent our way; and that is just what it takes to alleviate our sorrow. Other times, it takes a real blow to wake us up, to urge us to see how we take our lives for granted and to avoid going into a vicious circle of self lamentation. That life of yours that sometimes we feel so much wanting to get rid of is another person’s dream. I do not mean this in any superficial sarcastic way nor do I mean to discredit one’s feelings of loss or pain at any given point. But what I mean to share is that in my current state of mind, a person momentarily passed through my life and unintentionally helped me to see things clearer.

I woke up one Friday morning, not expecting to do much more than have a slow day preparing breakfast, sipping my coffee, strolling peacefully in the gardens surrounding my house, and enjoying reading a book while my little girl plays at the park. But that Friday, took me unexpectedly to the pyramids to accompany a guest who wanted to see one of the oldest wonders of the world . So it has been.

My little girl was all ready to be a tourist herself and as excited as our guest being her first trip to the pyramids.  My family got up and energetically got prepared and we headed out.

Despite the hot weather and the risk of developing migraines which often hit me on hot days, I did enjoy the visit and the change in the weekly routine. It has been years since I visited and it certainly brought back memories of my childhood. I told my family how my parents and other family members had a different Friday routine than ours. Each week we used to go on a picnic in an open place be it the pyramids, Fayoum,  or somewhere by the beach. Those memories were further revived as I reflected on the life of Zeinab, the 14 years old girls I bumped into by the sphinx as I was attempting to capture artistic shots of our guest and my children.  

Zeinab, cried at me in disapproval, that I was not going to get the best shots with the angles I attempted. I looked at her and smiled uncertainly and she demanded my camera with a lot of confidence that I could not deny. The youngster, professionally held herself with astounding leadership instructing my guest on how to pose and which direction to head next. She fluently communicated with him in English with ease. With every shot she took, she made sure I was continuing to demonstrate i was impressed. She was not waiting for my approval but was watching closely and made sure that her service was appreciated and  wanted.  This girl did not strike a deal prior to taking on the task and was certainly taking a risk. I followed her, as she led us to where we can go to get other impressive shots. I was amazed she was professionally handling the camera and had no questions to ask on its use. Besides being impressed by her talent I was more curious as to the means she developed them.  I had a long chat with her and she simply started off my saying “life is the greatest teacher”. This girl, who had only fourteen years of childhood years, wisely spoke of life as the greatest teacher. She grew up to find her whole family’s livelihood around the pyramids and tourists to be her clients.

Zeinab, who has a fantastic smile that doesn't depart her face has attended school till sixth grade then dropped out to support her family’s growing demands especially after her father had fled them three years ago. I am certainly not sure whether that story was plausible with all its details but I certainly have seen a talent and a lot of potential which got me extensively thinking.

The development worker in me was trained to think that if this girl were to complete her formal education, she could go much further in life and expand her opportunities. As a reflecting person who also believes that "life is the greatest teacher", I am not so sure. Zeinab has made a path for her self and developed skills using her innate talent and maximized the opportunities that were availed to her within her circumstances. She has more communication and leadership skills than I have encountered among older well educated beings.   I am wondering, about the turmoil of this girl and others with her capacities within difficult circumstances

I am not advocating against formal education and am certainly not celebrating that this amazing girl dropped out of school. But I am simply wondering about the photography, language and personal skills this girl was able to develop; and am questioning whether she would have developed those same skills had she been like any other girl of her age and less tough circumstances. I wonder where in life she would have been if she grew up with a family that had kept her in school. I keep thinking of the words Zeinab said with so much conviction “life is the greatest teacher”. The orthodox way of thinking is that if one is privileged to grow up in a well off family, get a good education, be around peers that you have had it made in life. Not true. 

Life is the greatest teacher and will teach each of us lessons all the time. The real caveat is whether we will be willing to learn. Zeinab, has made me believe that it is how open we are for life and how we use the opportunities that are made to us. It is how we are willing we are to learn and take risks.